i can't decide if i should keep this or not.
i think i'm going to start updating on tumblr.
yeah? yeah.

if you read this, then bookmark my tumblr for updations on my life.

http://thesmellofcrayons.tumblr.com/


but i will still check everyones on here, i have too many groups to look at to let it all go.

i just got back from damon's visitation.
i still don't know how to process all of this.
the car ride down there was pretty bad.
im kind of glad i was by myself though.
tina, my student senate advisor/bffjill from ellsworth met me there.
we were the only people in there at the time.
i shouldn't have gone up to see him.
he looked so bad. its like they didnt even try.
he looked nothing like himself at all.
his face was all puffed out and he looked fatter and swollen.
i just keep looking at the picture on my wall and remembering him as that.
not what i saw today.

after i left there, i went to find amanda.
i feel so sorry for her, i couldn't imagine if my boyfriend died. ugh.

after that, i drove over to cindy and andy's.
i was expecting them not to be home, but they were.
cindy attempted to have the baby this mroning, but it didn't work.
i walked in her house and she was making a pizza.
if i were that preggers, i wouldn't be able to function.
she has to go back to the hospital tonight just in case.
it should come before the end of the day tomorrow.
can't wait to babysit the little tyke this year.

i went to the dr today. she pissed me the fuck off.
she looked at me like i was making up shit to just get pills.
and she made me get a shit ton of lab work done.
i'm definitely not going back to her. what a cunt.

oh, walmart has 6packs of dr thunder for a dollar. i suggest you go purchase that shit.

i texted cindy tonight to see if she can get me a copy of the iowa falls paper, so that i can cut out damon's obituary. i've been doing a lot at home to keep me busy and try to keep my mind off of it, but this is the first friend i have had that died so i don't know how to react. when i had to open at work an hour after i found out, i couldn't function. i couldn't count the drawer or flick the light switch. and i've had a couple of momentary black outs yesterday and today. my eyes just shut and i forget what i just did or how i got to where i was. i sent out like four or five texts last night that i didn't remember typing. and i haven't really ate much since yesterday morning. my mom said that its because i'm dehydrated. which i know is probably right because i'm also not eating right. but i have an appt on monday to figure out this stuff and to get on medication. oh, and i don't believe my parents are going to get a divorce anymore. i can't tell for sure, but it looks like lately they're really trying to make things better. we'll see, i guess.

Amanda just called me. Damon died today. Someone tell me how it's fair to let a fucking 19 year old die. Fuck you, god.



We love you, Damon Wood.

last night just may have been thee most dramatic night of my life, thus far.
here's what went down. in full detail. even details you don't need to know.

me and kaleigh decide to meet at jess's apt.
i get there, wait for her, realize that regancuntface's car is there.
i immediately inform kaleigh of this.
she comes. we realize i forgot to bring her a hoodie.
so she drove us to my house, then we went back.
the SECOND we start walking up, jess and regan walk out of the front door.
he plays off the whole "i didn't invite you guys here" thing in front of regan.
just so she thinks we weren't invited. though, long and behold we were like five hours ago.
so we go inside. chill for a while. tom buehler, kirku, harms, josh, and this one blonde haired kid was there.
we convinced tom and kirk to go to this bonfire with us.
we drive out there separately. and a half hour later me kirk and tom decide to bounce.
kaleigh stays behind for becky.
we leave, drive back, go to jess's and get in an intense game of beer pong.
twenty minutes after getting back kaleigh calls me and becky texts me.
becky thinks we stole alcohol on our way out of hte bonfire.
this is where the drama begins.
she won't believe me at all, so i stop trying. i inform kirk and tom of what is happening.
when kaleigh called, she said all the guys from the bonfire are on their way to jesse's to kick our asses.
so i leave, and hop into kaleighs car once she gets there.
drama drama drama, we drive away because kaleigh needed to use her nebulizer.
then tom calls and tells us to come back cause it's all cool now.
so we do, and we're there for maybe twenty more minutes before the cops showed up.
we all left through the back door (me kaleigh justin matt sayer and zach)
yeah, ZACH was there. talk about unnecessary.
i dont know where the fuck regan was, i think since i was there she didn't wanna be and went home.
we all bounced again, but josh and jess talked to the cops.
tom and kirk hid in a closet in the apt.
jess and josh got arrested with posession of coke amoung other things i'm sure.
so me and kaleigh decide to leave for a while, and wait til the cops leave so i can take tom and kirk home.
as we leave in her car, we run into this huge pothole thing in the parking lot.
it ends up breaking the bottom of kaleigh's car, so we went to jimlinds to see what the guy said and he helped us kinda fix it.
but a part of it was still in the parking lot.
so we had to go back to get it, and the cops were still there.
once they left, tom and kirk got outta the apt and i took them home.
WHAT A FREAKING NIGHT.

and today, zach texted me twice so far. i think he thinks i'm going to give in and talk to him.
i didn't say one word to him the entire night last night.
and i'm currently not talking to becky either.
this town is nothing but drama.
seriously, who the fuck is going to drive from hudson, DRUNK, to waterloo just to beat up kids who DIDNT steal any alcohol?
UGH.


today me and tina went to brunch with josh.
then took him home and said our goodbyes.
it wasn't as hard this time around as the last two.
sigh.

zach just called me. i answered, said "you need to stop calling me, stop texting me, and start to fuck off. i don't want to talk to you, you hurt me way too bad last night, and i want nothing to do with you."

we'll see if this works.


last night, jim (zach's dad) woke up and talked with me outside for like an hour about what to do.
i told him all this stuff about me being sick and my dr appts and everything. i let him in on all of it.
and he told me all he can do for me is tell me to let go, and that zach is not worth it anymore.
which i've known for a while now. and i've let jim in on everything except the one thing that matters most.
because it would break his heart to pieces if he knew.

mad at someone i never thought i'd be mad at.
ever.
very sickly.
can't wait til i don't work at picasso anymore.
not eating well still.
prozac nation.
stupid bitches.
i love jim brayton.
drank for the first time all summer.
hung out with jhanna and mila free.
told zach to fuck off and stop talking to me.
ate fast food for the first time in forever.
barfed.
new clothes up the wazoo.
sturgis with katrina tomorrow after work.
party with annie after that.
iowa city with amanda on sunday.
7:20am appt monday morning. ew.

i really hope for the rest of your life, you're perfectly content saying that your highest degree of education is highschool, and that you barely managed that. i hope that you enjoy working 3 days a week at a waterpark, and complain non stop about it, even though you have the potential to change it. i hope that you really wanna work there for 5 years in a row and keep living with your parents because you're too stupid to save your money and get another job. i hope you enjoy knowing you'll always have her by your side, even if that means ruining potential relationships and friendships with other people, and oh i dont know, moving on and being happy. i hope you know she's a complete cunt who wants nothing more than to hurt you and take you away from your friends and your happiness. i hope you know none of your friends want to be around you when you're hanging out with her, none of them can stand being around her. i hope someday you realize that your parents are right, and that they're not just telling you these things in spite of you. i hope that you know they hate her, hate her being there, hate her spending the night there, hate you being around her, and hate her borrowing your car and doing her laundry there. she's just as worthless as you're becomming. but you have the potential to change. you have so much potential. youre just stuck in the life that you used to know. the life that you got used to. and it's really fucking sad. your parents want nothing more than for you to be with me, because they knew i was good for you. they knew i helped you. you WERE starting to change your ways, i WAS helping you. and it kills me not being over there every day. it kills your parents too. they hate seeing her. everyone that means anything to you, hates her. why can't you see that? why did you have to go ruin a perfectly fine thing? why do you keep fucking up? why do you keep lying? you're not changing, you're getting worse. and it's time to stop using the accident as an excuse anymore. this is you. not your past, not what happened, YOU. you're doing this to yourself. you're ruining yourself.

carlos o kellys and going to "year one" tomorrow with brent frey!
and going out to dinner with jake liekweg saturday night!
i've missed my ellsworth boiz.

joshua and i went to the hangover yesterday.
it was epic. definitely buying that the day it comes out.

mega update:
josh came over yesterday morning.
even though the poophead SAID he was getting here today (wednesday).
it was cute. i've missed him.

dyed my hair.
finishing new moon.
don't hang out with anyone.
getting closer with karen.
need to buy a television.
got the macbook back.
took jonathan out to dinner.
found out something i don't want to know.
josh comes home wednesday.
going to see the hang over.
lunch and a movie with brent frey soon.
clean room.
suicide.
can't hang out with people.
twitter.
not eating.
new clothes.
new movies.
fights.
going to bed at 9pm.
degrassi marathons.
pillows.
sore.
bad dreams.
bc complications.
end.

my macbook hard drive died yesterday.
took it to itech today, they're ordering me a new one now.
once that comes in, jonathan is going to fix it for me.
garage sale went great, made over $300.
my mom gave me $200 of it.
and i get paid about $200 tomorrow.
and karen gave me $50 on saturday to house sit/kitty sit for the night.
all i did was go there after work, and basically played with cute kittens/ate her food/read the rest of twilight all night.
went to des moines with sarah yesterday. got some neat stuff.
staying the night with zach tonight.
sleepover at shanda's tomorrow night after work.
and movie date with tom on wednesday.
i'm really really trying to keep myself busy til josh gets home.
i can't believe it's so soon!
oh! my cat at zach's, elise, had kittens on friday.
i went over to see them that night, they're SO adorable.
i'm trying to convince jim to let me keep the black one there.
i think they're already keeping the orange one.
i wish we could have pets in our apartments!
i haven't much else to update on, i hate being on this ancient computer.

watched twilight for the first time last night with zach's dad. liked it.
i just really wanted to see what the big deal was after they won like half of the awards at the mtv movie awards.
jim wants me to read it now. i might.
i'm going to start reading at least one book a week all summer.
cause i got like six for christmas.
well, at least til my summer class starts at the end of june.
then i need to concentrate on that.
i'm going today to sign up for it.
i got a letter in the mail the other day saying i got a $500 scholarship from one of the three i did.
so far i've got $200 $500 and my RA one for $6,000.
my year is almost practically paid for.
oh yeah, 15 days :]
it's pretty much all i'm concentrating on this summer.
i have three really weird pimples on my face. awk.
jonathan stopped into picasso on my really bad day last week, it was nice. i miss him.
been living off of goodwill clothing all week.
me and zach decided not to get back together.
going to borders with tom soon.
des moines with sarah sunday. :]
i really should be getting ready ish.
gateway park on friday?
garage sale this weekend! and we're totally no where near prepared for it yet.
i've been pretty absent from the computer lately.
so don't expect many updates.
there are so many other beautiful things to be doing besides sitting on here.

my summer consists of:

work today and tomorrow til 7.
tugboats and bonfire tonight.
starting the special k diet tomorrow.
adventure/slumber party with hubrig saturday.
jake all weekend.
garage sale june 5 and 6.
work every day of my life til july.
josh soon! for more than two weeks!
no california.
mall of america.
adventures.
john holler.
not drinking all summer.
bitches and hoes.
chalking up the world with my new chalk set.
running with jennifer every morning.
laying out.
losing weight.
iowa state fair.
ted and vicki visiting.
babysitting natalie.
new baby soon.
jhanna and baby mila.
not texting much.
new jeans.
arting it up.
saving for a new television.
dying my hair.
missing the chicago boiz.
moving back august 1st?
getting my apartment to myself for a month.
not coming home much during the school year.
can't wait for my iowafalls life back.
maybe wanting to go to grandview?

oh. and i got a 3.8 this semester. :]

end.

i just took my muscle relaxants, so i'll be dosing off soon. but i'll update a bit before i zonk out.

because of my illnesses this semester and especially lately, my personal fitness instructor told me to just forget about finishing the rest of my workouts and just call it quits and she'll give me an A. so that was nice! me and jake just finished our ed psych final tonight too. i give my powerpoint presentation on the fabulous life of me, on friday morning. then i can go back to sleep and lounge all day til i want to drive home. oh yeah, our honors banquet is tomorrow night. that kinda sucks. but its what i get for being in student senate. i already told my comp professor that i'm not going to our last class tomorrow on the count of being so sickly. so tomrorow will be a breeze. i haven't started "packing" up my dorm yet. i'm not too worried about it. i have one final monday night, and my other one tuesday afternoon. after that, i'm free as a bird, cept that i have to stay here til graduation to fulfill my RA duties. bah. oh, and i bought season one of how i met your mother. it's going to consume my life this week. that's about it for excitement. holla.

you know when you have one of those moments where everything felt way perfect for a while and you miss how things used to be and you get way happy, but can't explain it to anyone who isn't involved in it because they just won't get it? that just happened.

me and amanda and jake were downstairs in the basement kitchen cooking a pizza and we get word that jake, joe and zac are upstairs drunk and wanted to find us and zac all cute like wrote "i'm lost, love zac" on amanda's dry erase board. and i went up and got him and walked him down to the basement to us and we layed on the couch and talked about old times and i wanted to cry. and jake was here and it was SUPER awkward because we haven't had an actual conversation since my birthday and things with us just scream "awk."

but i feel all nostalgic now. and i dont know if it's a good thing.

Hola. I figured since I ran out of things to productively do today, i would write in here. I'm currently watching scrubs and hating capitalizing letters. i'm currently texting tom. how weird is that? kid finally got with the 21st century. today i babysat natalie while cindy painted her new bedroom in anticipation for the new young one to arrive. it was really fun. and i definitely need the cash. i also worked out today, it made me feel accomplished and whatnot. i had a long conversation on the phone with ethan this afternoon. i really wish i could physically be there for him. which is one reason why i'm glad that i'll be back for the summer. i miss being over at the house all the time. i went there this weekend and ethans room turned into the living room and the living room turned into the dining room and the pool room is now josh's room and josh's old room is now a library, and ethan got david's old room/bathroom. it was trippy.

i've started packing up useless things from my dorm to bring back. this weekend i'm gonna work on cleaning out my room at my parents to make room for all this crap. i have so much furniture now that my room is goingto look like a living room.

the RA business has started this week. i was on duty with gangsta damon on monday. it was an adventure. dawn came up and stayed the night with me too. her, me, amanda, tom and jake went to buffalo wild wings again. it was delicious.

we have a mandatory dorm meeting tonight, and sadly i have nothing to do until that. which is at ten. i'm thinking about poppin' in a movie and cleaning some more. my life is so boring! oh yeah! josh got back from japan the other day! so now we're within texting distance again. it's pretty exciting. oh, and me and zach's "one month anniversary" is today. yey life.

here's an updated photo of how i looked after i worked out today.



textual message me.

i wonder how much i repeat stuff in these entries. i never remember what i talk about. anyways, today i just figured out that for finals week, i only have two. and i'm done by tuesday. and have to stay here til saturday. so that gives me plenty of time to pack stuff and make a few trips home. i'm making zach help me though, no way i'm doing this all on my own. but basically, until the end of the school year all i have to do is one more chapter of statistics, one not so hard paper to write for comp, and to finish up my half way done final (powerpoint on the life of me) for presentation software. can you say i have a pretty easy last three weeks? my mom isn't answering her phone. wtf. so i'm sitting here writing this because i'm at cindy's babysitting and natalie pooped out on me on our walk and is now taking a nap. i hope she wakes up before 3:30 though so we can go to the park with jake. but until then, i have this to be sitting on, whilst watching that 70s show.

oh yeah, so last night i watched snakes on a plane for the first time ever. i kinda liked it. but i cried at the part where the snake almost ate the cute baby.

i was wrong about our RA meeting last night. it's not til tomorrow night. i'm pretty excited for it. i wanna get this started! haha.

oh, and hopefully is all goes well, these are my roomies for next year. i love these girls.

I have 28 minutes til I have to leave my room and walk to comp class.
i may or may not have an RA meeting tonight at 8pm. ha.
sunday night, me tom jake and amanda went on a roadtrip to the ames perkins at midnight.
and last night at eleven thirty we went to the dennys in clearlake. don't ask me why.
it just gets so boring here.
zach's birthday is tomorrow and i'm going home around 5:30 for the night.
i finally finished his presents. after working on it for two weeks.
i can't stop listening to the rent soundtrack.
i wanna work out for at least an hour tonight. i feel gross.
the school year is closing in! only two more weeks of actual learning.
i'm almost done with my final for one of my classes already.
i just ordered a new ipod cover case from amazon because a pen exploded on mine.
these updates suck! why do i even bother.
everyone keeps complimenting me on my hair.

i look awk.

the tradition seems to be writing about things day by day. so i'll stick with that.
on friday i woke up at 6:45am. yes, i REALLY did. i got ready and went out to breakfast with my sisterinlaw, vicki. and her sister (who i babysit for) and her daughter natalie (who i babysit) for those of you who are completely clueless. we ate at the rooster and it was way fun catching up and stuff. after that i proceeded to my 9am class, even though i didn't have to even go, and got nominated to be the person who delivered the easter baskets around campus. so i got to wear fuzzy bunny ears and walk around all morning, delivering joy to people. then we finished watching the pursuit of happyness in educational psychology. i hate that movie, fyi. after class, i went to my last day of work on my oncampus job. its kinda sad, really. i love kauz and i'm gonna miss not chilling in his office listening to prince three days a week.

i went to lunch with amanda after work, then started driving home. i got to my parents and started my laundry, then went to hair biz so nicole could dye my hair. we had a little mishap, so i was there longer than planned, but didn't mind at all because i love nic, and i lovelovelove my new dark hair. don't get me wrong, the blonde was cool, but it got old fast.

after i left there, i went to zach's and we came to my house for a bit (i forget why), and then went to dawn's. we went to look at kittens and then headed over to carlos o kellys for free chipz. after that we drove around forever. and i mean, forever. then decided to go to matt burke's. i sat on the sofa and watched them play beer pong. i was in a bit of a funk. we eventually left there, and me and zach headed to his house for the rest of the night.

once saturday morning came, i got ready really quick and headed to work. i worked with annie which was amazing. we caught up on life and told dirty stories all day. we had like six customers come in all day. after i got off at 4, i came home to gossip with my mom for like an hour about stuff, then got ready and went over to zach's cause his dad made me goolash. we started the bonfire way early, and it was just me becky and zach for most of the night. until kaleigh and john came over. and soon enough jesse, tom, and some chick who's name i already forgot. the rest of last night is kind of a blurr and i'm sure it's not that interesting, so i'll stop there.

right now i'm waiting for my mother to get home from work to talk with her for a bit before i head over to zach's for dinner. i actually really wanna just go back to my dorm like right now for some reason. eh.

so i decided, that i'm giving up fast food all together. i did it last summer. for like two months. but i'm starting right now. i just need to work on working out and bettering my health. and i'm gonna try to stop wearing eye liner. i look way different without it, and i kinda like it so far.